.: starshine :.

I need recommendations. Top 3-5 vacation spots. Sidenote, apparently Malta is off the list (not that I ever would have thought of it) aaaaand Washington D.C. does not count.

Retired, sadly.

There used to be a time when I was this person. This person who got so lost in everything, who couldn't see the clearing in the path. And maybe this is some kind of melodrama that I've cooked up for myself. It wouldn't be the first time. Years and experience have proven only one thing: I can easily be my own worst enemy. But right now, it doesn't feel like just melodrama. It doesn't feel like this is me being me. It feels worse than that. It feels much, much worse. It feels like I'm slipping, falling into this unknown variable of 'life after love.' Or maybe it's just 'previously known.' I am a master of evasion. I'm even a master of smiling for the proverbial cameras. The show must go on, smile though your heart is aching, blah blah blah. But I simply don't know how long I can keep the act up this time.

I thought he was going to be my 'happy ever after.' For the first time in years, I wanted that, so badly. I still want it, with every fiber of my being. But I'm scared. I'm terrified that this chasm of uncertainty is going to keep opening up and swallow me whole.

I should be grateful to be alive. I should be grateful to have food on my table. I should be grateful that I'm healthy, that I'm successful. I should be grateful that I even got the chance to love at all.

But right now, I just can't.

Up, down, turn around -- please don't let me hit the ground. Tonight I think I'll walk alone and find my soul as I go home.

I was all set to write an entry about my weekend with Regan and my Thanksgiving plans, but another conversation is weighing on my mind right now.

I was talking to a student, a bright kid who goes to Georgetown University out here in DC. He was a loyal Democrat, but he was wavering about his support for President Obama. Obama wasn't doing enough. For health care, for the economy, for civil rights. I've heard the same from a lot of folks out there. Obama's not doing enough. Consequently, as a member of a Democratic Congress, I can only presume that he meant I wasn't doing enough either.

In turn, I asked his opinion about something else. I worry that, we Americans, even those as passionate as himself, are too often content to end our participation as soon as we leave the voting booth. That we've forgotten that the most fundamental change happens on a grassroots level. That, if we actually care about making those changes, we can't sit back and expect a president to come in and fix all our country's problems.

He nodded. He seemed to agree. And then he said, "Yeah. Hopefully Obama can change that too."

As smart as he may have been, he missed the point. While most people may overestimate it, President Obama certainly does have enormous power. Even I, as a lowly freshman Congressman, have a lot of power. We can do a lot. But we can't do it all.

Our country is still in outstanding shape compared to virtually every other, but we're struggling with issues that we haven't dealt with in a while. I'm not as eloquent as President Obama, so I'll quote from his inaugural address:

"That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet...

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time...

What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility -- a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation and the world; duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task... This is the price and the promise of citizenship."

Obama's been criticized for holding himself up as some sort of deity, but that's hardly the case. By and large, he aims to inspire others. Not only inspire change within our government, but also inspire change in the attitude of Americans everywhere. We all have a stake in this country, and we all have to work to make the changes we need.

So, when I answered the student, I admitted that: no, President Obama's not doing enough. I'm not doing enough. But neither is he. No one is doing enough. No one can claim otherwise until we right this ship.

Luckily, we have the power and the ability to do that; all we need is the will.

"I'm starin' at the mess I've made as you turn and take your heart and walk away."

private.

I don't think Taylor and I can be friends.
I've tried but her rubbing all her date crap on the internet just bugs me. I mean she can talk about it all she wants she is single but it bugs me like no other. I am trying to be supportive but I don't think I can do it.

Yes I had a great date with Amanda but I wasn't rubbing it in or how great it was etc, etc. It just bugs me I know it shouldn't but it does. I just don't think I can be friends with her not after she lets me sleep in her bed, granted we didn't have sex but I knew she wanted to and perhaps part of me knew we would which was why I left my condoms back home I didn't want us to go there again. Well I mean I did but..I didn't. I don't know.

I did kiss Amanda the last time I saw her but it wasn't some long drawn out kiss that had me wanting to fuck her after it was just a small kiss a comforting kiss. Joey and I have been sleeping together which I don't regret doing we always had good sexual chemistry.

stupid girl.

Happy to zero in 3.5 seconds. Awesome.

Yes it's true someone broke into my house the other night while Ry and I were home.
The cops caught the guy, Ry was never in harms way. I had a new security system installed with motion sensor lights as well.

I stayed with a friend that night so that I knew the baby was safe.
A baby that misses his mommy might I add.

I woke up this morning and I realized that I really miss YOU.

And I know I have no right to.

( Because it's apparently the cool new thing .. )